Neon Lights or Starry Nights?

Ever experience something that might seem small and insignificant to everyone else around you, but it completely rocks your world? Something that takes you by surprise and effects you in possibly life-changing ways?

Here I am, sitting in Ricardo's art studio, struggling to write something, anything, and suddenly I notice that I have an overwhelming urge to cry-to bawl like a little hungry baby. Sure, I could attribute it to simple writer's frustration, but I don't think it's quite that simple.

Here's the thing. I can't stop thinking about getting away. Not like taking a vacation or something like that. I mean getting away. I have this growing desire to leave the life I live now-not permanently or anything-but for a little while. Part of it is that I want to know what happens when I live outside the constant influence of society, what happens when my dog is the only thing besides myself that influences my decisions. I want to live outside the 'you shoulds' and the 'you oughts', outside the decadent lifestyle of instant entitlement and material wealth. Part of it is that I am in love with nature, and I want to connect with it ouside the city limits, beyond the reach of neon lights and faded billboards. I find incredible wisdom in the stillness and strength of the trees which sit so patiently in nature and never tire of protecting her, and such beauty in the cycle of life that goes unimpeded by the latest wrinkle reducing lotion and diet pill.

It sounds like an awesome idea. So why do I feel like I just want to roll on the floor and cry myself to sleep? I'm damn scared, that's why. Scared of the 'what ifs', and the loneliness, and the fact that I'll have to deal with myself. I'm a girl who has never really had to make any decisions on her own. I've never lived on my own, never traveled on my own, never been alone for more than a day. I've depended on others so much that I'm scared as hell of depending on myself.

That brings me back to what I mentioned earlier. Remember how I wondered if you'd ever had a seemingly insignificant experience that rocked your world? For me, that experience came as one single little thought that planted itself and grew. I was listening to my sister talk about something, and she mentioned going to eat breakfast in a restaurant by herself. Something clicked in my head, and I realized, I have never eaten by myself in a restaurant before. Most people would say, "big deal. So what?" But it's not just about eating alone. It's about doing something completely on my own. It's about knowing who I am, and as a result, comprehending on a deeper level the intimate connection between everything in the universe.

Last thing I want to say is this. I know I'm scared, but this is my Year of the Lotus. This is my time to face my fears. I just know I won't be able to live with myself if I don't do through with it, and I know that doing it feels more right than not doing it. When the time comes for me to go, I just can't back out. I can't make excuses. I have to do it. I have to, no matter what.

Buddha did it, and look where it got him...ENLIGHTENMENT.

...A Year's Worth of Reading

I've devised a reading list of books I want to get through this year. I call it "The Hippie List" because most of the books were either written or recommended by self proclaimed hippies. Anway, here it is-if you have any books you recommend, let me know!

* Metamorphosis by Franz Kafka
* The Trial by Franz Kafka
* Brave New World by Aldous Huxley
* Doors of Perception by Aldous Huxley
* Coraline by Neil Gaiman
* Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas by Hunter S. Thompson (didn't know the movie was based on a book)
* One Hundred Years of Solitude by Gabriel Garcia Marquez
* On the Road by Jack Karouac
* The Dharma Bums by Jack Karouac
* Leaves of Grass by Walt Whitman (poetry): Also the name of a really good movie starring Edward Norton
* Don Quixote by Miguel de Cervantes (I'm tired of feeling like the only person who doesn't know anything about Don Quixote!)
* Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk (didn't know there was a book until I saw the movie)
* The Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test by Tom Wolfe
* Siddharta by Herman Hesse
* Steppenwolf by Herman Hesse
* The Bhagavad Gita
* Confession of a Buddhist Athiest by Stephen Batchelor
* anything I can get my hands on written by the Dalai Lama

...My Tree!

I was playing around with paint the other day, drew this little doodle, thought I'd share it with you. It's the first thing I've ever successfully drawn on the ol' pc that actually looked like anything!

Some people who looked at it saw an image of sadness, despair, and loneliness; others thought it was peaceful, calm, and inviting. I find it interesting that the same colors and image can look so different to every person who sees it. It all, I think, depends on your personal, subjective experience of the image, based on your emotional and mental state at the time.

...the Year of the Lotus

2011 is my "Year of the Lotus." I named it because this is an important year. Let's just start at the beginning-Day One, January 1. On Day One I finished my first short story written with intent to publish. I submitted the story on January 1 to a competition in a well known and highly renowned short story journal. Whether or not I win is not important. Whether or not I get published is not important. It would be nice-amazing-if I did, but it is not what counts. What is important is that I submitted it. I took a risk and put my name out there. I am getting someone to read my story, someone who didn't know my name before. I took a piece of my soul, my imagination, and put it out in the universe. Step One, complete, on Day One. What a way to start the year. This year is my year to take risks, to open the Lotus.

This is my year to push myself farther than I've ever gone before, do things I never did before, explore parts of my mind and imagination I didn't even know I had. I've opened my ears to the voice of the universe, and I'm ready to take the year and make it mine. It's like I've been walking through a vast labyrinth of dark tunnels up until this point with no end in sight. But then, one day a few years ago, I decided to go left when my brain was telling me to go right. I walked and walked, and suddenly I felt the tiniest whisper of a breeze that led me through 2010. On January 1, 2011, I saw sunlight. One bright golden ray, peering through a crack in the rocks, urging me onward. The ray of light is always there. I can't touch it, but I see it. I feel it. I know it's with me. I carry my closed Lotus flower in my pocket, nourishing it with only the energy from my persistence. I know the Lotus will blossom if I don't give up, because I know I will make it out of the tunnels if I keep walking, if I just keep following the ray of sunlight.

And so, onward I travel, seeking what I know I'm meant to find.