Ever experience something that might seem small and insignificant to everyone else around you, but it completely rocks your world? Something that takes you by surprise and effects you in possibly life-changing ways?
Here I am, sitting in Ricardo's art studio, struggling to write something, anything, and suddenly I notice that I have an overwhelming urge to cry-to bawl like a little hungry baby. Sure, I could attribute it to simple writer's frustration, but I don't think it's quite that simple.
Here's the thing. I can't stop thinking about getting away. Not like taking a vacation or something like that. I mean getting away. I have this growing desire to leave the life I live now-not permanently or anything-but for a little while. Part of it is that I want to know what happens when I live outside the constant influence of society, what happens when my dog is the only thing besides myself that influences my decisions. I want to live outside the 'you shoulds' and the 'you oughts', outside the decadent lifestyle of instant entitlement and material wealth. Part of it is that I am in love with nature, and I want to connect with it ouside the city limits, beyond the reach of neon lights and faded billboards. I find incredible wisdom in the stillness and strength of the trees which sit so patiently in nature and never tire of protecting her, and such beauty in the cycle of life that goes unimpeded by the latest wrinkle reducing lotion and diet pill.
It sounds like an awesome idea. So why do I feel like I just want to roll on the floor and cry myself to sleep? I'm damn scared, that's why. Scared of the 'what ifs', and the loneliness, and the fact that I'll have to deal with myself. I'm a girl who has never really had to make any decisions on her own. I've never lived on my own, never traveled on my own, never been alone for more than a day. I've depended on others so much that I'm scared as hell of depending on myself.
That brings me back to what I mentioned earlier. Remember how I wondered if you'd ever had a seemingly insignificant experience that rocked your world? For me, that experience came as one single little thought that planted itself and grew. I was listening to my sister talk about something, and she mentioned going to eat breakfast in a restaurant by herself. Something clicked in my head, and I realized, I have never eaten by myself in a restaurant before. Most people would say, "big deal. So what?" But it's not just about eating alone. It's about doing something completely on my own. It's about knowing who I am, and as a result, comprehending on a deeper level the intimate connection between everything in the universe.
Last thing I want to say is this. I know I'm scared, but this is my Year of the Lotus. This is my time to face my fears. I just know I won't be able to live with myself if I don't do through with it, and I know that doing it feels more right than not doing it. When the time comes for me to go, I just can't back out. I can't make excuses. I have to do it. I have to, no matter what.
Buddha did it, and look where it got him...ENLIGHTENMENT.
