I've been bad. For three months I have meditated on a daily basis, without fail. I even started practicing generosity meditations, like I described in my last two blog posts. But then, one day last week, I didn't meditate. And I have not meditated one day since.
It could have been out of pure laziness that I haven't meditated.Occasionally I have bouts of absolute laziness where I basically convince myself to do nothing productive for the whole day. These bouts can last for a few days on up to a week before I get so fed up with being lazy that I have to do something, anything. That may be it. But that's a lie.
The truth is that recently I attempted a meditation meant to cleanse my system and help me to confront my inner demons. During the meditation, I imagined myself going deep within my conscience and pulling open the "file cabinets" one by one, looking through my past. I focused specifically on the cabinets my mind marked as "regrets," "painful memories," and "nagging thoughts always stuck at the back of your mind." I can say the meditation worked in that I found those file cabinets at all. To find the cabinets is one thing, but to be able to open them up and look inside, well, that is something else entirely. It can be quite a positive, cleansing experience, or it can be downright frightening and even dangerous. I went into my meditation hoping for the positive, cleansing experience, and what I got was scared senseless. I didn't realize, going into it, exactly how painful some of my locked away memories are. I didn't realize how much my subconscience was hiding from me, and to skim even just the surface of those memories was like an atomic explosion on my island of calm. I can very honestly say that I was not prepared for what I got. And since then, I have not been back. I was scared of what I saw. So scared in fact that I jumped out of my meditation without grounding myself-I ran out of that place and completely forgot to close the file cabinets and turn out the light. Now, in that room is a big mess of memories floating around in a chaotic soup, all jumbled up with no idea where they belong or why they were moved in the first place.
I've been spending the last week since that meditation trying to convince myself to go back in and face it, dammit. I know that I eventually have to finish what I started, go back into that room, wipe the dust off those memories, and clean the place up. By clean the place up I don't mean lock the memories away again in their cabinets. I mean, I have to sort through the memories, come to terms with them, and find a new and much more peaceful, clean place to store them. Maybe even throw some of them out altogether. It's a scary task, but without a doubt a necessary one.
I can tell you, it makes a huge difference to have those memories floating around in my subconscience with no rhyme or reason. The mess in my subconscious is noticeably affecting my conscience mind. I have been moody, down, and even unreasonably angry during the last week. I've felt less determination, more confusion, and much less positivity. All because I was too scared to really face myself and finish what I started. This change in my energy affects everyone around me too, which is absolutely not a generous act, unless you count generosity as heaping your negative energy onto the shoulders of those you love. I certainly don't. I know I do not want to continue feeling this way and affecting those I love.
Anyhow, now, after taking half an hour or so to write this post and admit to you and myself what I've been doing, I feel much better. I thank you for letting me pour this out and come to terms with what has been going on in my mind for the past week. I feel as though now, having confronted the issue guarding my other issues, I have regained my courage and am ready to walk through the halls of my subconscience again. I'm taking a dustpan and mop this time, and a pot of sunflowers for good measure. I'm ready to go back in, and I feel prepared for what awaits me inside. I'll let you know how it goes!
Just as an aside, please do not try something like this if you have never meditated before. It is not exactly an easy meditation to do, and requires a great deal of awareness. I was not prepared for the memories I saw, but because I have practiced meditation it did not affect me as severely as it could have. I am aware of the causes of the negative emotions, and know what I have to do to rid myself of them. If one is not, however, the damage can be lasting and quite the opposite of what it is meant to be.
